Boundaries Are Not Mean: How to Set Them Without Guilt

Written by Aakifa Shafeer

In Sri Lanka, family, community, and respect for elders are deeply valued. People are often encouraged to be polite, obey rules, and prioritize others’ needs. While these values help maintain close relationships and harmony, they can sometimes make it hard to set personal boundaries. However, healthy boundaries do not contradict respect; they protect well-being while still honoring relationships. (RealMind, n.d)

Boundaries are not mean

Because respecting others is so highly valued, many people assume that saying no or asserting personal limits is unkind. Boundaries are often associated with a negative stereotype and are viewed as harmful or selfish. Many people assume that setting boundaries means carelessly cutting others off or ending relationships. However, boundaries are not mean; they are actually in the service of love, as they help create a safe and respectful space in which individuals and relationships can flourish and grow rather than being cut off at the root. (Boundaries, 2023) Even though boundaries are healthy and caring, setting them can still feel emotionally challenging, which brings us to the question of guilt

Why does guilt show up when you set boundaries?

Feeling guilty when establishing boundaries is common because it can make a normal act of self-respect feel uncomfortable. The challenge often isn’t deciding where to set limits, but managing the emotional response that comes with enforcing them. Guilt can make you feel responsible for others’ reactions, like disappointment or discomfort, even when their expectations are unrealistic or unspoken. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) explains that this happens because our minds generate automatic thoughts (such as “I owe them” or “I’m being mean”) that are shaped by past experiences. Over time, these thoughts can seem like undeniable truths, even though they often lead to stress, exhaustion, or burnout... Recognizing that guilt is a learned response rather than a reflection of wrongdoing allows us to approach boundaries with greater confidence. (Miller.A, 2026). Once we understand how to manage feelings of guilt, the next step is learning to communicate our boundaries clearly, so that they are respected without causing conflict.

Communicating boundaries effectively

Communicating boundaries is just as important for maintaining healthy relationships. Ideally, boundaries are shared kindly and assertively. Focus on expressing your needs in a respectful way, even though it’s totally valid to still feel angry or spiteful. While these feelings are real, they may not be the most beneficial when communicating boundaries. Once boundaries are communicated, a follow-up conversation may be needed. If you find it difficult to say what you want, remember that communicating boundaries can help maintain healthy relationships, especially those that are important to you. (Odell, C.A, 2025) Knowing how to communicate boundaries is just the first step; the next is learning some simple strategies to set them in everyday life.

Steps to establish healthy boundaries

Tip 1: Know Your Needs

Before setting boundaries, reflect on what matters to you.

Consider:

What traits or behaviors in others do you value?
What makes you feel uncomfortable or overwhelmed?
How do you like to spend your time?

Understanding yourself helps you identify the boundaries you need, whether it’s privacy, independence, or limits on time or energy.

Tip 2: Communicate Clearly

Once you know your boundaries, share them respectfully:

Pick the right time. Discuss boundaries when both are calm.
Use “I” statements. Focus on your feelings, not blame.
Be specific. For example: “Please knock before entering my room” instead of “Give me space.”
Listen to feedback. You don’t have to justify yourself, but explaining your perspective can help others understand. (Reis.S,n.d)

Tip 3: Be Consistent

Stick to the boundaries you set and communicate clearly if someone crosses them. Consistency helps others understand and respect your limits.

Tip 4: Start Small and Build Up

If setting boundaries feels uncomfortable, begin with small, manageable limits. Offer alternatives when saying no, and consider whether the benefit of the boundary outweighs the discomfort of enforcing it.

Tip 5: Seek Support

Boundaries can be harder with mental health challenges, trauma, or shared living situations. Check in regularly, and reach out to a mental health professional, support group, or trusted friends and family for guidance and backup. (Coppock,2021).

Setting boundaries is an act of self-respect and care. By knowing your needs, communicating clearly, and seeking support when necessary, you can protect your well-being while nurturing healthy, respectful relationships.

References

Boundaries. (2023, May 19). Boundaries don’t have to mean cutting someone off. Boundaries. https://www.boundaries.me/blog/boundaries-dont-have-to-mean-cutting-someone-off

Coppock, M. J. (2021, October 6). 8 tips on setting boundaries for your mental health. Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance. https://www.dbsalliance.org/support/young-adults/8-tips-on-setting-boundaries-for-your-mental-health

Miller, A. (2026, January 13). Why setting boundaries can trigger guilt. Fieldwork Counselling & Therapy. https://fieldworkcounselling.ca/why-setting-boundaries-can-trigger-guilt

Odell, C. A. (2025). How is life tree (ting) you? Trust, safety, and respect — The importance of boundaries. Stanford Student Affairs. https://studentaffairs.stanford.edu/how-life-treeting-you-importance-of-boundaries

RealMind. (n.d.). The importance of setting boundaries for your mental health. https://realmind.com.au/the-importance-of-setting-boundaries-for-your-mental-health/

Reid, S. (n.d.). Setting healthy boundaries in relationships. HelpGuide. https://www.helpguide.org/relationships/social-connection/setting-healthy-boundaries-in-relationships

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